Feeeeeeeeeeeelings
It was recently pointed out to me by myself that I can be a crankypants when it comes to the subject of weight loss. In the face of eating as strictly as I have and doing all manner of cleansing rituals and not losing a pound, it is not beyond the bounds of human comprehension to think that I wouldn’t be a bit of a sourpuss.
There is an area of weight loss which I haven’t truly explored, and that’s the emotional aspect. Years ago I was very much into feeeelings and expressing them, but now it seems I hold sentiment at arm’s length, with a tender mix of skepticism and disgust, as in, “What’s that I smell? Has something gone off in the fridge?” Oh, no, I’m just having a feeling.
How the hell did I get so macho?
For all these years I wanted to think I was ABOVE weight loss, that losing weight was a petty nuisance, a distraction from the truly important things going on in the world. All the while feeling miserable about my weight, but whatever. I had a banner to uphold. And now it seems it’s time for that banner to come down, dismantled by the only thing that can truly dismante it (besides the pee of a pregnant woman), and that is self-love.
I’ve spent so many years tailoring my diet so that I could reduce weight, yet true reduction never really happened. Or it did but it was temporary. And I have all manner of biochemical justifications for the weight gains. I think perhaps I’m getting to a point where I have to break with logic and reason to make progress. Because my aceticism with rabbit food is wearing thin.
Why the foray into the squishy ishy world of feelings? I happened to hear a radio interview of Alfonso de Rose, a weight loss coach and seminar presenter, who focuses on self-love as a crucial component of weight loss. I then coughed up $40 for a 3-hour talk of his. Money for me is very tight…perhaps it wouldn’t be if I gave up the luxury of organic vegetables. :) Why I sprung for the workshop when I could have easily not was a leap of faith. Because I don’t agree with a lot of what he says, but for the first time in my life, it didn’t matter.
He has a CD out, “It’s Your Birthright to be Thin,” the title of which totally pissed me off. In fact, a lot of what he says pisses me off, because there are a lot of thin people who drop dead of heart attacks, and a lot of thin people who are dead inside, lacking passion and zest for life. And there are fat people, e.g., in poorer nations such as in Africa who are revered as rich, abundant and powerful.
However. For some reason, I couldn’t escape the deeper message, because at one time I had a lot more passion and zest than I do now. I ache to get back to that time and that body. In one singular moment today that had me blinking back tears, I realized I could not handle attention from people. I have known this on a rational level, and actually had glamorized it. Because in the past I have had a tendency to date people who are aloof by nature, and I thought they were so cool, I in turn began to prize aloofness as a virtue, and just wanted to be left alone. Except on me it didn’t look so cool. Some people attract others to them just by being casual and distant. But because I’m rather genuine (and rather skittish when it comes to self-acceptance), I guess people just read the “GO AWAY” message in my eyes and did just that.
Now, for the first time in my life I am seeing a correlation between being large and being unable to deal with people’s attention on me. Because I got told very young and very often that I was vile and/or I would never amount to anything because I was fat. No wonder why I have stage fright, and why public speaking terrifies me.
Today, I let go of my science background and my prejudice against the uninformed and the unevolved. For once, it wasn’t just me holding up a feminist banner or a biological-fact-that-hormonal-imbalances-make-you-gain-weight banner. It was me saying to myself, “Dude, he’s right. It’s my birthright to be passionate.”
Passion is the only thing that makes life worth living!
This post brought tears to my eyes! I am so happy to hear you are back on the path to passion.
Loving your blog!