And I’m not even smoking anything
Yesterday I sprung for Alfonso de Rose’s CD with the title I can’t stand, and this afternoon I popped it into the CD player. It’s rather short; for $30 I wish there was more than one meditation on there. But the music is soothing, and he takes you into a light meditative state of positive thoughts for your body. Then all of a sudden there’s like 5 Alfonsos all talking at the same time, telling you how great exercise is for you, how wonderful you feel in your new thin body, etc. It’s really jarring and it pissed me off. I had just gotten into a reasonably calm state (rare for me) and the Five Alfonsos start messing with me and I’m agitated, thinking, “I SPENT $30 ON THIS SHIT?”
Then it stops and I start to relax again, and then the Alfonso Mafia start in again with their cacophony of affirmations. I’m about to reach over and turn the damn thing off when it occurs to me that maybe this agitation is intentional. Perhaps it’s supposed to break down the listener’s defenses.
Because that’s exactly what happened. All of a sudden I start bawling, and I’m overwhelmed with deep-seated feelings of how I don’t like to eat, wish I didn’t have to eat because eating = pain. Eating equals restriction, deprivation, judgment, ostracism, etc.
I had forgotten how much fun personal growth work is.
It’s no wonder there are so few foods now I can eat. Perhaps I might have become a breatharian before long. In the wake of this catharsis, I can’t help thinking that this is a key, perhaps the first of many keys, that might open the door to forming a more positive relationship with food, and maybe even to kicking my food allergies to the curb.
With all the insights I’ve been gifted with this weekend, at this point I’m feeling anything is possible.
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