Does NOT taste like chicken
When I first saw pictures of gallstones, I thought, Ooh! How pretty! They’re like gemstones! How cool would it be to launch designer line of gallstone jewelry? I wonder if it would catch on? Could the beauty of my innardly creations trump morbid fascination and outright disgust? Could I simultaneously rake in the bucks on both eBay and Rodeo Drive? Yes, I think so! After all, gummy worms are disgusting, and they’re huge! They’ll be like pet rocks, only wearable! I have SO found my calling!
But then I learned that not only do gallstones not always come in lovely Irish shamrock green, but once outside the body, gallstones soften and dissolve within days. So much for the big bucks.
However, this weekend ushers in the first of many liver/gall bladder cleanses I am doing to better my digestion. I’ve started off with a two-day cleanse; the first day (today) involves eating only green apples (at least 5), and then a “delicious” mixture of olive oil and lemon juice before bed. And tomorrow morning, hundreds of gall stones should slide right out my butt. Right after the monkeys.
My bathroom is all set up: I’ve got a strainer ready to catch the booty, a digital camera to post the proof on the net, and a cell phone just in case I have to call for an emergency cholecystectomy. I’m prepared.
It’s 6pm and I am so g.d.f. hungry I can’t stand it. I have eaten 3 apples so far, and drunk water laced with malic acid, to soften the gall stones. I do not want another apple. I want soup. I want chicken. I want ANYTHING ELSE BUT. I even baked an apple but it still had that puckery tartness that is okay for one apple but not five.
I’ve done tons of restricted diets before. My entire adult life has been one freaking huge restricted diet. Yet today I have sunk to the depths of being one giant pantywaisted wuss. I don’t wanna! I’m pretty sure I lack the “bitter gene,” the one that supposedly people who lack it can’t stomach horseradish, mustard greens and the like; I’m sure I lack the tart gene as well. And - while I’m complaining - you know how apples rust if you leave them out for more than a minute? Oxidize, whatever. Well, I hate that. I won’t eat the apple once it’s turning brown. Bleccchh. So not only do I have to eat 5 apples today, I have to eat them QUICKLY.
This is hell, I tell you. I am finding the tartness revolting.
Still, it’s better than a liver transplant. I’m pitifully working through my fourth apple, wincing and whimpering all the way. I guess this is payback for the cheese popcorn and glazed doughnuts I lived on in college.
The alternative to apples or malic acid flavored water is cranberries. And if you think I’m having a hard time with apples, eating cranberries for a day - even a tiny spoonful - would be an express jet to Hell. I cannot STAND cranberries.
Yecchhh. With every bite of this apple, a painful cry escapes my throat. Am I three years old? Did I delete my pain tolerance by mistake? I can’t wait for the oil/lemon cocktail. Actually, I can. That sounds hideous in a totally different way. I now see why I’ve been procrastinating for so long.
One more apple to go. Think I’ll cheer myself up by watching a movie involving real persecution - The Crucible. If it doesn’t make me thankful for my lot, it will at least pass the time til my nightcap.
And then tomorrow morning it will be like Christmas for my liver. Hundreds of warm, gleaming stones under the tree of my ass. Happy holidays!
Woman, I hardly know what to say to this. It’s horrific!!!
LOLOL…Hence the name of my blog… :->