Venous seduction
Several years ago, when I developed a virulent obsession with Michael Flatley and began flailing about in Irish dance classes, a friend lent me a fiddle of hers, saying essentially, ‘Have at it. See what you can do with it.’ I played it a small handful of times, and then, sensing fame and fortune was not imminent, put it down and enrolled in a pre-med curriculum instead.
After a couple of years of bone-zapping prereqs, I’ve taken this semester off, and my desire for the fiddle has resurfaced. Wanting a teacher but not having the budget to afford one, I decided to learn via YouTube. And I discovered a video of my next life. I’m coming back as April Verch.
She not only plays the fiddle, but stepdances, too. At the same time.
Unless of course she has fire ants in her pants and dressing in a sequined halter top and jumping up and down in front of crowds of people is a plaintive cry for Benadryl. Then I’d settle for being her just-as-nimble spoons player, although from the distance the videographer chose, the spooner does seem to be having a rather sadomasochistic time with his, uh, instrument.
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The other day, I was accosted in a small room by three doctors with a needle fetish. The results of bloodwork I had had done a few weeks ago revealed only a small bit of iron-deficiency anemia, and I was there to pick up the iron. However, their raison d’etre is intravenous chelation therapy, and their joie de vivre is convincing people with multiple health problems that they’re loaded with heavy metals and that they need chelation to rid them of it. Now, I’m okay with it in theory, in that we are loaded with crap, and that IV chelation is essentially a colonic for the cardiovascular system. And yay cleansing. However, DMPS, the chelating agent, can cause problems such as paralysis and death. And that would be really rude of me to die from an elective venous roto-rootering and needlessly render my cat an orphan.
But on the other hand, what if it actually worked, and I felt better because of the chelation? What if over time the joint pain and the fatigue and the chemical sensitivities and the food allergies and the inability to play the fiddle and dance at the same time went away?
By golly, then I would be UNSTOPPABLE.
But there wasn’t an opening that afternoon to get chelated, and the next available time isn’t for a few weeks, so I have time to think about this. There are other ways of getting the lead, mercury and other heavy metals out, including eating cilantro daily (although probably not in a burrito daily) and clay baths. However, what would you do if three doctors told you if you did a series of IV chelation, you could get your life back?
Awwwwsum video on April Vetch! Give it a go!