Bile them apples down
Procrastination. It’s last night, around midnight, and I still have not assembled my olive oil/lemon juice cocktail. Then it’s 1am and I am still thinking about it. 1:30 rolls around and I have an idea! I google “liver cleanse” chocolate just to see what pops up. Nothing. I go through a few other favorite flavors, and land on this: the Coconut Oil Liver Flush. Perfect! Coconut oil? Good. Apple juice? Good. Lemon? Good. Garlic? Umm…. Oh, what the h. I decide to try it, since I read that it was supposed to be an easier cleanse. Like flushing for weenies.
But at this hour, I’m too tired to juice the last remaining apple I have, so I just throw the whole thing minus the core in the blender along with everything else. And it turns into this oily white pudding.
I take a small swig. Not bad. Not exquisite, but not horrible either. Until I’ve downed about 1/2 a cup of it and have another half to go. Then suddenly it becomes as repulsive as the lemon/olive oil mess I had to chug last time. I realize I forgot to put the ginger in, and sadly, I don’t think that would have helped. I start burping garlic. I repeat the same mantra I used last time: It’s a glaze for chicken, it’s a glaze for chicken…it’s a glaze for vegetables…it’s…ummm…cake frosting? But the damn garlic ruins it all. I manage to quaff another 1/4 cup, and hop into bed, thoroughly nauseated.
Curiously, my spine starts aching in the same way it did during the last flush. And then all my teeth and gums start hurting. Weird. And then they both subside, and I fall rather quickly into a dreamless sleep.
This morning proves disappointing, as there doesn’t seem to be anything wanting to take the express route through my intestines. Morning turns into afternoon, and after work, I’m getting a little miffed. I’ve developed a headache, as much from the toxins traversing my bloodstream as the fact that in two days all I’ve eaten is 6 apples, gelatinous garlic and some soup. I feel like the smoothie decided to settle into my liver and is buying up the ducts wholesale. I feel utterly clogged. I call RotoRooter.
With a good swish of my intestines, I feel light as a ballerina. Well, a 250lb. ballerina, but you get the point. Actually a 248.6lb. ballerina, since I lost 1.4lbs. of crap in the colonic. Shit poured out of me for an hour and a half. No stones that I could see, but rivers and rivers of bile. Free at last! I am now the owner of a shiny new liver.
Alas, I regret I don’t have any fancy or disgusting pictures to post, but like what - are you starved for disgusting things on the internet?
I’m off to Arizona tomorrow, and maybe Mexico, where I don’t think I’ll ask some nice bodybuilders intent on getting steroids to pick me up some hCG, and if they get caught I don’t think I’ll go across myself and mail them home from the nearest drogueria. Because I’ve already ordered everything from Europe. But hey, why leave drug smuggling to potheads and Medicare recipients? Hasta luego, queridas!
Hi, I hope you had a merry Christmas and a happy new year!