Eets only weffer theen
Oh. My. God. The best cure for obesity has got to be forced feeding. If I eat one more corn dog, I’m gonna blow. [Note: This Monty Python video contains material of a gastric and graphic nature.]
I knew it would be difficult, and I don’t even think the hcg injection had anything to do with it. Some people say they have a really hard time loading up on fattening foods, and I think that is more to do with the fact that it’s a conscious attempt to gorge rather than passive pigging out. I think most people would find that harder if they HAD to stuff themselves silly, rather than racking up a zillion fatty calories from a weekend of casual snacking on the couch. Because as we all know it’s real easy for lard to form on your ass when you’re not thinking about it.
I began the protocol sitting in my bathroom with the door closed, drugs and syringes in my hand, pants around my ankles, ready to shoot up. And if that isn’t a new low I don’t know what is. Because really. The expression on my mother’s face as the police tell her they found me out cold, holding a needle full of a prescription drug you can’t get in this country….not a pleasant bookend to a life otherwise spent on the adamantly drug-free side.
A call placed to my hcg angel helped me assemble and mix the magic potion. Once she guided me and I had the injection ready, the needle went in absolutely painlessly (who’da thunkit?). I felt kind of woozy and sleepy for a while afterward, and I don’t know if that was because of the hcg, the injection, or eating an entire cheesecake in about 5 minutes. Which is why I say forced feeding will guarantee weight loss, because I do not want food. Ever. Five hundred calories sounds like a mighty good respite.
At last count, my weekend load of fats and oils has comprised: 1 Trader Joe’s cheesecake (the small one in the blue box), 44 mini (bite-sized) corn dogs, a 3-egg omelet sauteed in butter and stuffed with chicken and cream cheese, accented with dill and cayenne, half a large Pizza Hut cheezy bites pepperoni pizza, and a mousse made out of everything I want to get rid of by tomorrow - coconut milk, coconut butter, chocolate chips, hazelnuts, cream cheese, dates, etc. and a foot rub with chocolate massage oil. I think my insides are now VERY well-greased.
So other than a little green around the eyeballs, I don’t feel any different. I hope this stuff is working. The only real way to tell if the hcg is viable (other than by losing weight) is to see if in a couple of days my pee can turn a pregnancy stick blue. As I was buying my horde of goodies the other day, I picked up a 7-pack of Clear Blue Easy, and the checkout lady whispered, “Good luck - hope you get what you want!”
ME TOO, HONEY. I hope it’s a girl - 5′8″, 140 lbs, and an endless bundle of joy.
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