And for my next trick…
So yeah, I almost died last week but I’m all better now. In the wake of a homemade HCG cocktail gone awry, various medical opinions thought I either had a dangerous blood clot, a life-threatening venous air bubble, or a killer charley horse. I’m guessing that it was the last one, as it got better with high doses of a CalMag supplement, a few rounds of Bayer aspirin, and eighteen Bloody Marys. Or something like that.
I’d like to blame alcohol for the way I acted last week, at least on one particular night when I just started freaking out, screaming to myself that I WAS GOING TO DIE OF HEART FAILURE OR AN AIR EMBOLISM OR MAYBE A LEG CRAMP BUT I WAS A GONER I JUST KNEW IT. And when I didn’t answer myself I called up one of the few people in the world I know I can call at four in the morning yowling like a banshee and she wouldn’t mind or if she did she wasn’t going to say so right then. So I called her up and left a voicemail message which I have luckily blocked from recall, but think somewhere in it was a primal scream, like “IT’S FOUR IN THE F’ING MORNING WHY AREN’T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE I AM DYING HERE PICK UPPPPPP!!!!”
Luckily for her I only left one message (and three heavy breather hang-ups) so when she called me back I had enough wind in me to blow her clear to Chicago and back. And I told her I am going to die and started crying and wailing and I thought I was making total sense even though I was getting kinda loud and she interrupted me to say, “Honey, YOU ARE NOT MAKING ANY SENSE” and I thought ‘What do you mean? How can you not understand me? I understand what I’m talking about…’
But finally I calmed down because yelling about my condition strangely wasn’t helping, and we skyped her best friend, a registered nurse who keeps late hours. After telling her all my symptoms, hearing her tell me it sounded like a textbook charley horse combined with a panic attack made me feel way better. Although I’d never had a panic attack before so I thought she was lying about that one. After all, wouldn’t your panties get in a twitch if you suddenly had problems walking? I thought it was a perfectly rational response. But I wouldn’t want to repeat that night, EVER, or be on the receiving end of it, EVER, and no I can’t claim to have engaged in reckless drinking that night. But the HCG tincture I made up had Rescue Remedy in it, and well - Rescue Remedy is 27% alcohol. And maybe 5 drops of the pure was too much for me. After all, rumor had it I got drunk sniffing beer caps in high school. I have no memory of this, but I’m sure it was true. I’m easy that way.
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