Doesn’t smell like anything, really
You know, when I first started writing this blog, I had a feeling I was going to do some fairly far-fetched things in order to lose weight. After all, with a now-confirmed case of adrenal fatigue, this 100 pounds of blubber has become my albatross, and losing it is like trying to breathe with an albatross throttling my neck.
So, whilst being treated for the adrenals with some Chinese herbs, I’m here to announce that I have finally gone off the deep end regarding weight loss. No, I’m not getting liposucked. Worse. I’m actually engaging in something I never thought I’d do, even had announced it in the ‘About’ section of this blog as something absolutely off-limits. And yet who knew that this particularly grotesque healing modality was excellent for slimming down?
Last week, all of a sudden, these two words bored a hole in my skull and said, “Hey. Think about this one.” And I’m like, “You’ve got to be kidding me.” And they went, “Nope.”
The two words? Urine therapy.
Oh, yes. And not just drinking it, either. Using it as a salve for insect bites. Bathing in it to cure psoriasis. Inserted as an enema for constipation relief. Apparently, pee - not water - is the universal solvent.
After all, urine contains antibodies, good bacteria, amino acids, enzymes…and people in India have been using it for 2,000 years to maintain good health. Of course, I’m not sure how they justify drinking the ammonia, heavy metals, formaldehyde, etc. that’s also in pee.
So I spent a good week retching at the thought. Blehhhhh. Then I found out the local naturopathic college actually TEACHES A COURSE in urine therapy. Then I found a recipe for homeopathic urine, essentially a VERY DILUTED dose…one drop shaken up in a glass of water, and thought that I MIGHT be able to do this.
Now, before you question just exactly where I went off the deep end and why, know this. There are people I’ve been talking to - on urine therapy lists, of course - who say it has cured their IBS, their constipation, their fungal toenails, their diabetes, heart problems, hair loss, skin rashes, candidiasis, Multiple Chemical Sensitivities, fibromyalgia - problems that western medicine often has no workable answers for.
Three days ago, I put a drop of urine in some water and succused it (i.e., shook it really hard) and then took a drop of that mixture and put it in another glass, added water and shook that one up. And then I drank it.
And you know what, people? It tasted like WATER.
And not long after, I pooped out a bowel movement to be proud of. I can see how this actually would be good for constipation. I tried it again yesterday, but I started to feel nauseous before drinking it, and so couldn’t tell if the abdominal discomfort I was feeling was from the urine or from the sinking feeling that I had stooped to drinking my own urine. Again.
I am advised by regular pee drinkers that I should work up to drinking it straight, and there is just no way that is ever going to happen. Perhaps I could put a full glass in a smoothie, but I would really have to apologize to the fruit. And then to my stomach lining, which would be puked up all over the toilet.
And yet. Freakily encouraged by one person’s tale of curing his fungal toenails with a 3-day boot soak in ‘water from his own well,’ I bought a pair of rubber farming boots at a feed store today for $15 and poured a week’s worth of urine in them. I am now sitting at my computer, my feet sloshing around in boots full of pee. I write a post-it note: Do not kneel down. For ANY reason.
And now, a rarity. A picture of me.
And here, folks, is the BEFORE picture.
NOW you see why I called this blog the HORROR diet. It’s a horror feast for the eyes! But seriously, as a healthcare practitioner, I’ve seen lots of fugly toes. The fact that I’m willing to sit here in boots full of urine to take care of them says something, doesn’t it? I am doing this FOR AMERICA, people! I am doing this for all the people out there with fungly toenails who wear closed-toed shoes in summer, who never take their socks off in public, who wince at a day at the beach, who envy all those people who can wear their flip flops or Birkenstocks with pride. I am here to show you, BY ANY MEANS NECESSARY, WE WILL NOT BE SOFT ON FUNGUS!!!
I guess you could say I’m using this as a litmus test. If the toes heal nicely with these golden yellow baths, then I might address weight loss with it. But somehow I’d venture to guess that the toes won’t heal without a few hundred gulps of pee, straightaway. And that is just too nauseating for my wee self to think about right now.
Comments
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.